Welcome to My Worlds

Hey Y’all,

I’m done [but don't stick a fork in me]. After one more duh client move, and the only bad conference experience I’ve ever had, I’m pulling a U-turn. I’m closing the agency. Not because I can’t stay afloat, nor that selling books right now is ultra-difficult. I need to do something where I’m not getting hammered, stressed, lied about, and blindsided. [I think I'll go into politics or try out for Survivor instead.]

I owe you several blogs, and if you still wanna read ‘em, I’ll write ‘em. Right now, I need to apologize to my friends and writers who’ve sent in their stuff, waiting more than patiently for an answer. I’m truly sorry. Just consider it a no. My head hasn’t really been in the game since 2009 after the ACFW debacle. Two recent mishaps sealed the deal. I do plan to write y’all about recent events, plus the RWA fiasco, and a piece on Socialism.

But not today.

Thanks much. This is Kelly Mortimer, goin’ dark….

Welcome to WordPress. This is your first post. Edit or delete it, then start blogging!

This is a rudimentary way to blog, but since I can’t use LiveWriter anymore, this is all I have. [So, I don't want no heat for no misspelled words or errors, people!] This is just a quickie I feel is warranted.

Some of you know I see certain things. Meaning, I kinda see them BEFORE they happen. This site is either in my real dreams at night, or a flash when I’m just doing something ordinary, but mostly when I’m reclining in the car seat [no, not the carseat. I may be petite, but I can't fit in one of those. My feet alone--never mind.] I lay back with my eyes closed and go into a weird sleep- cycle/trance-like state.

I tracked my premonitions for about a month once, and I think I posted it to the blog, but I don’t remember. Someone told me I was Sensitive [I've also been told I'm insensitive, but whatever]. Someone else told me I was an Empath–which I’m not. Empaths feel things other people feel. [While I may feel for you, I don't feel with you.] I’m actually precognitive, or, I’m a Pre-Cog. And not a very efficient one. Oh, I’m accurate, all right–but to what end? Usually doesn’t do me or anyone else any good.

One time it did, for sure. [Giggle. Snort.] I was at the racetrack with a friend. I glanced at the name of every horse in every race. [I always cover up the odds.] Ah! I looked at my friend. “It’ll be Tenacious Tina in the 5th race.” At the proper time, we strolled over to the paddock as the horses for the 5th were comin’ out. Tina was a bit uppity. In fact: slathering, jumpy, and downright misbehavin’! My friend said, “Not a chance. She just ran her race right here.” So, losing a couple of bucks would be no big deal, right? I bet on her anyway. Won by 10 lengths. [Not me, Tina. And, no, I wasn't gambling! I knew she was gonna win.] Sorry, back to the pertinent stuff.

[For the sake of space, the dialogue isn't in paragraphs. Remember--no complaints!] Today, we were driving home from The Genius Child’s softball practice. I was reclining with my eyes closed, and I blurted out, “Be careful. A big green truck is gonna to be driving on the wrong side of the street.” “Ah, Mom. We literally just passed a big green truck sitting on the side of the road.” The hubby [he's such a sweet man] said, “She’s right. Someone was in the driver’s seat, just sitting there.” “Well,” I said, eyes still closed, “He’s gonna go the wrong way. Hasn’t yet.”

Why do I bring this up? Beacause yesterday I was reclining and in the same state, and I babbled, “A white or light-colored car or small truck is gonna catch fire.” Since what I see usually happens within 48 hours of when I see it, I thought I’d pass it on. So, for y’all who drive a light-duty truck or a car that’s white or light in color: if your ‘Check Engine’ light goes on, or if you’ve been having electrical problems, please get it fixed. This wasn’t a fire-after-a-wreck situation. But flames engulfed the car/truck. [Smoke obstructed my view, hence, the sketchy details. Sorry!]

Other updates just to draw out this blog as I nothing else whatsoever to do…. I had a few site-ings several months back. And I spell it that way on purpose, as it distinguishes these from normal ‘sightings.’ Also, because I think the English language is ridiculous. [The ridiculous ridiculous. How many sounds do the letters 'ough' make???]  A friend who knows about my ‘gift’ called to ask if I’d had any premonitions recently. I said, “Yeah, I did yesterday, but they couldn’t involve you.” I chuckled. She said, ”What were they?” “Well, someone is gonna go scuba diving and get chased by a shark [we're juuust a bit of a trek from shark-infested waters up here], and if someone goes to an event where a lot of folks are gathering, there will be a brawl, and someone will get hurt.” [An event in Aguanga where a lot of folks are gathering is usually comprised of about 9 people.] I was satisfied my friend would feel relief that these premonitions couldn’t pertain to her in any way. Then she said, “Actually, that makes perfect sense. My kids asked permission to go to a relative’s house, so they could….” [Yada, yada.]

I normally don’t mention site-ings. Why don’t I mention my site-ings? Because I never get a name or date, so who am I supposed to warn? [It's way frustrating, dudes.] Then it happened. I finally got a premonition with not only a name, but a date. What I saw was heinous, and in my dream, I remember being inconsolable. I sobbed. And sobbed. When I woke up, I surmised I sobbed because I didn’t tell my friend what I saw. So, I called her up. “Jane [not her real name], I don’t know quite how to tell you this, because it’s unpleasant, and has to do with one of your kids.” “You know I believe in what you see, so please tell me.” Okie dokie. “Ah, the day before Halloween, please keep Jane Junior close. Don’t let her go out alone for any reason.” “Why?” “Because if you do, a man will strangle her to death.” –[Beastly!] And mighty sobering. Mayhap due to the severity of the situation, I got the name and date. Don’t know. Said friend kept the kidlet under wraps, and no heinous crime was committed against her. Wish more situations were like that.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, less than 48 hours before the earthquake and tsunami hit Japan, I looked at the hubby and said, “Giant earthquake coming … but not for us.”

[Written early Friday]

Mike Hyatt [President and CEO of Thomas Nelson] had a guest blogger, Mary DeMuth [also a former guest blogger for me, and a gal I admire], who mentioned  Five Strategies for Dealing with People Who Abuse Your Trust. [http://michaelahyatt.com ] As you might guess, some are Biblical principles: Let it Go, Move On, Don’t Stop Taking Risks [as if!], Choose to Forgive, Keep Your Words Few. [Apparently, she didn’t know I’d be reading the blog.] Since the topic seemed to apply to my current situation, I posted my Biblical prospective, which Mike may, or may not, post. Either way: “I Like Mike.” So, here goes….

Hey! Kelly Mortimer of Mortimer Literary Agency here. This is long, and I understand why you might not post it, and that’s okay. I like and respect both Mary, whose guest blogs are still at my blogsite [welcometomyworlds.com], and that I’d sprint a 100-yard dash in 4″ stilettos to have two minutes with Mike Hyatt is common knowledge. But, I’m a gal who often goes against the grain, and I can’t help it. I express my opinion [yes, often dissenting] where I see it may be relevant.

I understand all 5 points. On the most part, I agree. When I’m in a business relationship I have to end, or the other party does, I try to do so in a good way. If I blew it, I own-up and apologize. Sometimes I apologize even if I didn’t do anything. [And sometimes I go ballistic first, and then apologize. I AM human.] But, I also believe there’s a time to take a different position.

As a Jesus-lovin’ gal, I’m often preached to about how I’m supposed to forgive and forget. But what about justice?[ I said justice, NOT vengeance. I'll let God handle that. --But I often get impatient with Him.] What about standing up for yourself against a bully? Did David just forgive Goliath’s army and forget what they were doing? No. He killed the bully! [And for spoils.] Yes, I know, that was pre-Jesus. But Jesus didn’t just stroll by the moneychangers in the Temple. He didn’t just experience a bad business situation and move on. He got ticked and overturned the tables!

Once upon a time, a giant writing organization done me wrong. It mentally crushed me, as I loved the organization. Then I was livid. Someone apparently started an untrue rumor about me at a ‘Christian’ conference I wasn’t attending. The organization checked on the rumor and found it to be false, but admonished me anyway. I begged them to tell me who started the rumor. They wouldn’t. After many heated e-mails–they kicked me out. By doing so and not setting the record straight on the preposterous rumor, they destroyed [rather, tried to] my credibility. What to do?

I found a solid legal avenue I could travel [through a loophole I discovered in their bylaws], and had an attorney in the proper state lined up to pursue it. It was worth the $10k I was gonna plunk down to get started. But, people whose counsel I respected advised me to let it go, and I did–reluctantly. And in the few times I still think about what this organization did, it burns my gut. Not that they did it [well, mayhap a little--], but more that I let ‘em get away with it.

My hubby [he's such a sweet man], the consumer advocate attorney, once told me [get ready to laugh] the National Enquirer prints the truth 99% of the time. He said in the cases they were printing lies, 9 out of 10 times, the celebrity they slammed sued. His comment, “You don’t sue someone who’s telling the truth. You sue someone who’s lying, and in doing so, hurts your reputation. If the celebrity isn’t suing, they often did what the Rag said they did.”

Now, I’m faced with another nasty [the bad nasty] situation. I have a problem with a huge writing organization, a former business relation, and an attorney. Again, the attack is based on a lie. What to do?

I admire entrepreneur William T. Phillips. Bill sees winning as keeping your word and standing your ground. I wish to emphatically do both. [I know that's a split infinitive, but I'm allowing it.] Bill says, “It’s all about the chocolate milk. That’s what I tell people who want to know how I came from nothing, and went on to build several multi-million dollar corporations.”*

Seems when Bill was eight, the Depression was just ending. Bill was new in Detroit, where the school gave you a pint of milk with your report card. And if your grades were great, it was chocolate milk. That’s what Bill earned. Then a bully saw him walking home, drinking his chocolate milk. The bully told Bill to give it over. “I had a choice. I was going to have to prove myself, or lose my chocolate milk. My instincts told me to fight for it.”* The bully wasn’t new to the neighborhood like Bill, and the bully was taller and bigger than Bill was. “The minute our fists started flying, it was as if my body was on autopilot. All I could think of was protecting what I’d earned.”* Bill kept punching, and the other kid backed down. Bill’s milk was never in jeopardy again. [*An American Entrepreneur by William T. Phillips]

Should I fight, and if I fight, what chance do I have of winning? DOESN’T MATTER IF I WIN. Only matters that I stand up and make an argument for myself. I’m gonna prove I’m not the one celeb who did what the Rag said they did. This round, I’m fighting for what I earned: my reputation for honesty, and for sticking up for the little guy. [That would be me, on this occasion.]

This time, the bully isn’t taking my chocolate milk.

I owe y’all a blog. Okay, several, but I gotta start somewhere. As usual, it’s long at 2,400 words. I’m sorry this has taken me forever to write. I was indisposed, and waiting for a final reply to the last e-mail I sent to RWA [which I got yesterday]. I didn’t like the answer—but we’ll get to that question and answer later. First, an update on me. [My favorite subject!]

I have a new, ongoing health issue that came just shy of puttin’ me in the hospital. [I refused to go.] I’m not gonna get into that. It isn’t going to kill me. Yes, it set me back quite a bit. Enuf said. [And I'm not lookin' for sympathy—I'm fine.] On to more updates.

As to technology: My computer is working great at present. Internet still goes out, but usually only for short periods. The phone is another issue. [Beastly!] But, as of late Friday, I do have a useable home phone—which is really my business phone. [There is a God, and apparently, He still loves me.] Here’s the story on that…

My old home phone—which was really my business phone—worked fine. But my hubby [he's such a sweet man] decided we’d save truckloads of Franklins by switching from Verizon to Vonage [and we all know how reliable my Internet is]. Even though I figured the home phone—which was really my business phone—wouldn’t work well, I said I’d try it.

What a frustration! Every other syllable y’all spoke got cut out, so it sounded like I was listening to someone speaking German. Of course, y’all could hear me crystal clear, so you kept babbling in unrecognizable, clipped speech.

I told my hubby [he’s such a sweet man], it wasn’t gonna work. He suggested I get a new cell phone. I was using a Trac Phone cell—which was never my business phone—as I rarely used it. It was cheaper to buy minutes than to pay monthly, but not if I was gonna use a cell as a business phone.

The cell I bought to replace my home phone—which was really my business phone—never really worked. I couldn’t make calls from home—which is where I do business—as the cell kept bleeping out and hanging up on everyone. So, I started every conversation by informing the other person of the disconnect rule: that whoever made the initial call was the person who’d call back, otherwise, we’d both call back, and both get a busy signal.

Inevitably, the new cell phone—which I was supposed to be using as my business phone—would disconnect. Of course, I had no idea I was prattling to dead air, as I didn’t get a dial tone. After a few minutes, I’d ask for a response, and realize no one was listening, but I had no idea just when my cell hung up on the person. I’d call the person back and attempt to figure out the last thing they heard, and by the time I did that, the phone’d hang up on ‘em again. Then I’d haveta call back, then it’d hang up, then finally I ‘d give up and not call back. [I'm sorry, Cindy—I do luvs ya!]

I’m so behind on pitching, it’s ridiculous. [The bad ridiculous.] Like I’m gonna call editors, pitch like there’s no tomorrow, then realize I was pitching to a phantom editor. Great for building a solid, professional working relationship. [Yes I can be professional!]

I told my hubby [he's such a sweet man?] it was back to Verizon, or back to him bein’ a bachelor. [Trust me; that wasn't a gamble.]

Verizon said we’d have a phone in 24 hours. [Isn't that, like, a finite number?] After 48 hours, we found out there was a problem with the line, and they had to send a man over. It took Verizon until last Friday to accomplish that. [And it took God how many days to create the earth, the heavens, and us?] And do I have the same old home phone number—which was really my business phone number—that I put on all my submissions—the one every editor I know has? Of course not! There’s some kind of problem with that too. But Verizon assured me it’s only temporary.

So, I have a temporary new home phone number—which is really my business phone number—but someday, I’ll have my old home phone number again—which was really my business phone number. As to the cell: I’ll be reverting back to the old cell phone number—which I never used as my business phone number—as soon as the new cell phone—which I was supposed to use as my business phone—expires on the 11th.

Now I just need to learn my new home phone number—which will be my new business phone number [temporarily]—and remember my old cell phone number—which I never used as a business phone number— permanently. [Confused much? You should be, cuz I am.]

As to Underdog Press: I’ve met with the author, and we’ve negotiated. Underdog will be putting out her book. She gave up some, and I did as well. I’m not an epilogue kinda gal, but that’s the way it goes. It’s still a great book. Since I wasn’t able to pull the Romantic Times ad, you’ll see the cover in their December issue. Since the ad is coming out, but the book won’t be out as scheduled, Underdog will take pre-orders thru the Web site for any interest the ad generates. The book trailer is on the site if ya wanna take a peek. www.underdogpress.com.

As to me: I love acting. [I bet you never guessed.] I’m indulging myself in that. No, I’m not giving up my wonderful career—and all the perks that go along with it—and moving to Hollyweird. I created a new persona for myself, like an alter ego [as if I need another ego]. You see, this is the real me. I use words like “dude,” “nasty,” [the good nasty and the bad nasty], etc. That isn’t an act.

Some of you know I love fashion, and I love design. My doctor told me I need to do something with my hands [other than talking]. So, I’m going to design handbags again. [It's been a looong time.] But what about the persona? Oh, I opened an ebay store, and I’m “The Style Sensei.” [Partial nod to my client, the Hollywood Sensei, for the name. I had the word 'Style,' and y'all know how I love alliteration. That was the only S-word I could think of that fit.] The Style Sensei would never refer to you as y’all, and wouldn’t dream of using the word nasty. She’d use heinous, or marv!, depending. We do have one word in common, [Beastly!], but that’s it. I actually haveta think when I write in her voice. [It should be obvious I don't think when I write in my voice.]

The Style Sensei will also share tips about how to dress, how to accessorize, and beauty tips for makeup.

The ebay store is under my company name: Four Gals Designs [4galsdesigns.com.—If you go to my Web site, make sure you don't forget the word "Designs," otherwise, you'll be directed to a porn site.] and is currently selling other designers’ bags, like Coach, GUESS, and Juicy Couture, but at reduced prices. Everything there is in style [or The Style Sensei wouldn't be listing it], as The Style Sensei’d never allow a woman to tote a heinous handbag! I only have one of the bags I personally designed in the store right now, but will be adding a few shortly. [And I haven't forgotten about your handbag, dearest Robin.—Not that Robin! As if!] To go to the store, log into www.ebay.com. Next to the search box click Advanced. Scroll way down until you see Search by Seller. Plug in thestylesensei. It takes you to what I sell. On the top of that page to the right of my name, you’ll see a red icon. Click on that and you’re at my store. It sounds complicated, but it isn’t. If anyone knows a simpler way, clue me in.

Also, I have an extensive antique/vintage costume jewelry collection. Some I keep for personal use, some I use to embellish my handbags, and some I’ll sell from the ebay store. I’ll also be designing a few pieces of jewelry with bits and pieces of things. [I think I can put my editing pen in my mouth and hold my soldering iron….] Some of the bits are partial pieces of vintage jewelry, and some aren’t [like the inner workings of a pocketwatch, for example.] That, along with agenting, writing Paula Jones’ biography, Underdog, and training my patient, beyond-belief Assistant Agent—Wendy—[y'know, I bet she can fly] will keep me plenty busy, which is how I like it. Busy, but diversified.

As to RWA, I haveta tell y’all something,  or ya might get mad at me. [Currently, I need all the friends I have left.] I’m gonna go into more detail on the next blog. But here’s the ending. I waited weeks for a decision. No response. I e-mailed RWA to ask if they had any idea how long a decision would take. No response. Then I sent the letter I posted to the blog. Bingo!—response. They stated the writer told them weeks ago that the situation had been resolved to the writer’s satisfaction.

Huh? But, uhm, nobody asked me. I’m a member too, right? —They let me sit for weeks, wondering if they were gonna kick me out, and never bothered to tell me of this resolution, nor check with me to see if I thought the situation was resolved? I told them in my letter of defense, the matter was resolved before they even notified me of the complaint! So, I asked them what their idea of “resolved” was.

Am I still a recognized agent? Yeah, they aren’t kickin’ me out. BUT, that complaint stays in “my file” for 7 flippin’ years! [Who are these guys, the J. Edgar Hoover Organization?]

I have more than one problem with this situation. If RWA believed my argument, and let me stay in, then why would they let a baseless complaint that I took care of, remain in my file for 7 years? Or, if they didn’t believe my argument and believed the Former Client From Hell [no longer my client; still from Hell], why weren’t they kicking me out? If I did everything she said I did, they shoulda booted me but-quick. Either way, it’s nasty, dudes. [The bad nasty.]

So, Saturday I open the mailbox. Guess what was there? A bill from RWA to renew my yearly membership. [The irony.] Now, lemme think about this…. When I became an agent, they switched my membership status, segregating me. They banned me from posting on or reading the loops, and their reason was they had to allow writers to talk about me behind my back. They banned me from running for office. They banned me from voting.  Oh, and they keep a file on me. Sheesh, I’m fortunate they still send me the Romance Writers Report. But of course, they didn’t ban me from paying the membership fees, even though they took away all my rights. Y’know, I think I should start a file for them! [Hmm.]

Which leads me back to the question I was waitin’ for RWA to answer: If I don’t renew my membership, so I’d no longer be a member or have a recognized agency, what would happen to my file? I’m assuming they’d toss it, right? Nope. They keep that sucker open for anyone to look at for 7 years, whether I’m a member or not.

Am I flamin’ mad? [Does a locomotive spit steam?] But wait—hold the coal. At least they show those who make a request my answer to the complaint. Small consolation. And, since RWA has that info available [BTW, they didn't ask me if I wanted my e-mails put in my file], they can’t complain if I post the same info on my blog, now can they? [Sigh and NAH!]

I hate being spiteful. It goes against my naturally angelic personality. I know, I’m not really explaining what happened, but I will. Just don’t want a War and Peace blog post. [No, smarty, this isn't War and Peace--it's more like Twilight: Breaking Dawn.]

This is a hurtful subject for me, especially the way the FCFH laid it out. She not only outright lied, but she also used half-truths [and since part of it is true….], and she falsified the timeline to make it look as if I had motive. [Beastly!] My defense letter explains in detail, but other than to shove it into the infamous file, RWA didn’t give a hoot. Ha, more irony! I stated to the FCFH that RWA wouldn’t appreciate being used as leverage in a blackmail attempt. [They didn't give a hoot about that either.]

You woulda thought I’d learned after the fiasco with ACFW, that it isn’t the intent of large organizations to help their members. They’re more concerned with exerting control. I’ve come to think of all large organizations as Socialist. They know what’s best for the members, who are sheep who need leadin’. [Y'know, like the lamb to the slaughter.] And the lambs dutifully vote yea on the bylaws. Why? Because everyone else does, and they don’t realize the implications of what they’re voting into “law.” It’ll be a cold day in the place my former client came from before I join another organization. 

When I fell into the ACFW fiasco, I spoke to an attorney. No, not my hubby. [He's such a sweet man.] I found a loophole I could use to go after Her Grace and the ACFW Cronies. [I'm great at stuff like that.] It’d cost me some bucks, but I didn’t care. I wanted to make them miserable, even if for a day–even an hour. Instead, I let it go and attempted to get past it for my own good. Surprise! It didn’t help me, and I still haven’t moved past it, because I know they think they got the better of me.

I’m. Not. Letting. This. One. Go. Stay tuned for more unabashed excitement from Kelly Gottuso Mortimer, the: fired-up, can’t-hold-her-down, Sea Biscuit of humans, female Rocky Balboa, Jesus-lovin’ Zionist, X-Treme Literary Agent—who will remain Diabolically Diligent, Maniacally Moral, and Defiantly Different—so help me God.

Well, I gotta go now and write that check to RWA, so I can retain all the benefits of being a member. And if you believe that, I have a nice piece of land to sell ya right on the beautiful shore of the Salton Sea….

Welcome to My Worlds

[Sigh.] You’re right: I never start with a sigh; I usually end with one. Wanted to throw somethin’ up on the blog, so, in keeping with my unending fight to be me, I did something stupid. [FYI: I say stupid, but I mean ‘stupid for the general population,’ not for me.] I apologize in advance for all of you I shock, and for those who try to love me, but I just make it downright impossible. Here’s the letter I sent the gal at RWA. I also sent a copy of my new agency contract, which will be slapped on my Web site proudly. For now, here’s the letter. Oh, and the photos are of me and those who really love me. No matter what. PERIOD. [And I love them the same way.]

Me and my best pal, Gayle Link– Atlanta, 2010

Hi Carol,

I decided since I have a degree in contract law, I should have my clients sign a more structured agreement, but written in plain English, and fully understandable. Hopefully, this will end any arguing post-termination. I’ll be putting this document on my Web site, in keeping with my “Transparency Policy.” [And I actually keep mine.] I’ve attached it for you.

I haven’t heard from you either with a decision, timeline, or even an explanation of what actually occurred [did my former client file a complaint that will sit in my file for 7 years, or does that only happen pending a favorable--toward her--decision by RWA?]

In the interim, I’ve been reviewing how being a recognized agency benefits me. Well, I get more status. [I don't care about status unless it has to do with my integrity, which is the only thing I care about.] That’s it. Whoa! I can’t think of anything else. Oh. I like the RWR in paper form. [I like it much better than the online mags.]

Me and my client [friend, sister], Cynthia Hickey – 2008 [And you know I must love her to post such an unflattering photo of myself on my blog!]

The costs? I get to pay my whopping membership fees/dues. For that, I’m banned from running for office, I’m banned from voting, I’m banned from answering writers’ questions on the loops, and when a fellow member lies and bashes me, I wait … and wait … and wait, for a response, which if it goes against me, can harm my well-earned rep.

I get to come to your national conference and you don’t charge me to attend–but, I have to teach and/or take appointments for that, so it isn’t really free, is it? I work for you if I come. When I come to your conference, I pay all my expenses, which ends up bein’ about a G-note. [I'm me, and that's my lingo--like it or not.] Sure, I get to meet editors, but I could just come and not attend the conference, and make side appointments with the editors as usual, since I’m already paying for all my expenses, right?

We all know agents don’t go to large conferences to help writers or look for new clients. [I already have potential clients that'd overflow Lake Michigan if they all sat in it.] Agents go to large conferences to meet editors, as previously mentioned.

I prefer small conferences [as my Web site states]. I get to spend time with writers at those. I get to teach and listen, and really help them. Agents go to small conferences if they wanna meet and help writers [not editors], as there’s no other reason to attend, is there?

Me and my client [friend, sister], Kelly Ann Riley – 2008

And for me givin’ those people my all, they pay for all my expenses, and sometimes give me $100 too. [I cleared those earnings with Erin years ago, just to be safe.] What I don’t get, is money for the editing they ask me to do for writers who pay to have their submissions evaluated. Why? Because I thought those would be reading fees that under RWA policy, I’m not allowed to take. So in effect, being RWA recognized causes me to lose money.

Am I saying I want out? Honestly [which is the only way I do things], I’m not sure. One thing I am sure of, is if I leave now, people will assume I quit before you could fire me. If I get out, I don’t wanna go that way.

You may think I wrote this to antagonize you. No. I’m just confused, and no one I’ve spoken to can give me a good answer that makes sense. [I'm all about making sense.] Here’s the question: why is the above true? If you take away all the rights of your members who are recognized agents, why are you taking fees from us? If we’re members, why don’t we get the same protection you afford your other members? Why do you segregate, and classify us as a different type of member?

Me and my client [friend, sister], Carrie Stuart Parks – 2010 [Yo! I’m the Big Dawg.]

I know I’m wasting my time, as I’ve found few gigantic organizations that DO make sense [so I'm not singling you out.]. But this has bothered me since my local chapter followed your lead and kicked me off their member loop. Of course, I still had to pay their hefty membership fee in addition to yours, plus, they charged me $10 [another group I liked charged $20] every time I attended a meeting! [Like I really need to hear a speaker talk about how to write.] I didn’t renew my membership with them, because they disenfranchised me, but didn’t wanna disenfranchise the fees.

Here’s my closing question: I just received an offer from a publishing house to edit textbooks for university students. So, if I say yes, am I accepting reading fees?

[Welcome to My Worlds.] [Sigh.]

I put up a new blog post … I took it down. First I have to write that the post had nothing to do with RWA whatsoever. I still haven’t heard from them. [They much enjoy slow torture.]

I wrote a really kickin’ blog earlier, but I can’t post it. Even though it’s true, funny, and ended with that little sarcastic twist I’m infamous for, it’ll hurt someone I just don’t wanna hurt. Here’s the short, unfunny version.

I got the cover for Underdog’s first book yesterday (Wednesday). Here it is~

Recognize the gal—the cover model? Yep, it’s me! I did haveta tell the Photoshop Gal to give me a minor tummy tuck, though. [I’m sure it was just bad posture.] I’ve lost more weight since then–24 pounds total in 8 weeks, and I’m now below my target weight. But that’s not what this was about.

With regret, I have to announce Underdog Press won’t be publishing this book. The author has decided she wants her writing career to go another way.

Frankly, I’ve had just about enough of the entire publishing industry. I’m sick of all the BS, the politics, and the personal attacks. But, I’m still not ready to quit agenting altogether–yet, but don’t push me.

I’m not sure if Underdog will publish anything. This has been an ordeal, and if I had any hair left, it’d be snow white and standing-on-end.

Now that a had a Web site put up, and a video trailer made, we’ll get that on the site. The guy who did the trailer is on vaca, and he needs to drop the new cover into it. I’ll let you know when the trailer is available for your viewing enjoyment.

I can’t help but feel someone or something, doesn’t want me in the publishing industry, in any form. [sigh.]

Welcome to My Worlds.

I’m writing this not knowing the outcome of the scuffle with RWA, nor the answer to the ‘settlement’ I suggested to the FCFH (Former Client from Hell) [Still from Hell, just a former client.] I want my decision based on what I feel is right for me, not on what someone forced me into. What happened in the past week made me think about my life. As such, I’ve decided I have to change, regardless of what RWA decides.

First, I’d like to apologize to all my hopeful clients. I’m only on my March submissions. That’s not diligence, and it’s not right. I never intended for this to happen, and your never-ending patience is noted and appreciated. I apologize sincerely. You will get an answer. Wendy, my assistant, and I will be barreling through your submissions. Mort Lit will also be closed to queries until we evaluate the submissions we have. If you’ve just sent a query, we’ll answer it, and take queries until my Web Master can change the submissions page.

Now, on with it. This is difficult, and gives me no pleasure.

I started the agency with a purpose: help pre-pubbed writers get published. I wanted to give writers not-yet-pubbed, a shot others might not. I admit, I’m not the smartest lizard in Aguanga, but I have the most common sense. If something doesn’t make sense to me, I do it my way so it does. [That’s why I have my own agency, my own writers’ loop, my own conference, my own publishing house….] For agenting, I thought if I treated writers with the respect due them, gave them sound editing advice, and worked my heart out for them, everything would be great. [Not!] I thought I could take the writers who needed representation the most, and guide them to publication through editing and helpful suggestions. Then, my clients’ best work would go out, which would give them the best chance of publication. Make sense? [It does on paper.]

Things that make sense don’t always work. I speak to every prospective client for at least an hour. Everyone I’ve signed has assured me they wanted/needed an agent like me: one who takes the time to edit their stuff, and is active [meaning cares about] in their career. They don’t all mean it. [Did you let your prospective spouse know your bad habits—before the wedding?] Some clients even think they’re listening to me. They say they’ve implemented nearly all my suggestions. Problem is, they may be implementing many tiny things, and not the important ones.

The end result of these … disagreements, is that we both settle, neither of us is happy, and I’ve yet to sell one of those manuscripts. And it’s not due to my lack of trying. On the contrary, I hoped-beyond-hope I was wrong, and my clients were right. I desperately wanted to sell their manuscripts. [I never wanna say, “I told ya so.”]

Recently, a former client actually used my edits as a basis for her RWA complaint. That story is a whole separate blog, which I promise I’ll write. I still don’t know if I’ll reveal the person’s name, and until I decide, don’t wanna write the blog. [But what I’m posting now needed sayin’ now.]

I’ve re-thought my position on both agenting, and editing. I’m not happy. I’m not having fun anymore. I can live with that. But, it’s gone beyond that and into: my health is suffering. That’s where I haveta draw the line. I don’t sleep much, my hair falls out in globs, I lost 20 lbs., [yay!] of which I gained five back in the last week. My level of stress is off-the-charts. None of this is good for me. Having to defend myself from baseless claims takes a toll. I almost quit entirely last year after the American Christian Fiction Writers Socialist, elitist “five” decided to destroy me. [Sorry, couldn't help it.]

Due to the above, I’m cutting back on agenting, and concentrating on my family, my small press, and the many things I gave up in an effort to help writers, like art [my art instructor told me I have talent and a good eye, and, no, I’m not paying for the lessons!], blogging, designing handbags-to-die-for, gardening, mosaics, buying and selling vintage costume jewelry, and reading for fun [if I can remember how]. Oh! And writing! [Did I ever mention I was a writer before I was an agent?] I have a few projects on hold that I can’t wait to dive into, like writing Paula Jones’ bio/memoir, and helping a few other clients re-work their nonfiction pieces. Lest I forget, I still need to do Welcome to My Worlds: A Bipolar, Jesus-Lovin’ Literary Agent Tells All [Boy, howdy, and do I still have a lot to tell], and Perils of Publishing: Pithy Pointers to Protect Writers from Pitfalls, Punishment, and Pernicious Plights. I also love going to speak and teach at conferences, and will continue if y’all invite me. [And having those books to sell in the back-of-the-room would perk up said beaten-down agent’s self esteem!] If I meet you at a conference, I will wholeheartedly consider taking you as a client.

How will I free-up my time? I’m letting some clients go, and doing less editing for those I could never let go. I won’t be as active at looking for new fiction clients. Instead, for the most part, I’ll be helping Wendy choose her clients, and hold her hand through ever step as long as she needs me to. Hence, instead of taking 6 months to teach her everything [other than contracts], then having her become a full-fledged agent, I’ll be promoting her faster, and giving her help where she needs it.

I’ll still consider new clients, but will be far more selective, and as mentioned, choose more nonfiction than fiction writers. [Reading a 50-page proposal takes a lot less time than reading an 80k-plus-word novel.] Presently, I have nonfiction stuff I believe I’d love to represent. Trouble is, I’m only on March fiction submissions, and think it unfair to read a new proposal until I’m more caught up. So, I don’t read the proposals quickly enough, and I often lose those opportunities.

If I currently have your submission, you still have a shot with me. If I love your work, and I feel it’s sellable with a content edit, as opposed to a triple-threat edit, I may sign you. If not, Wendy may sign you. If either of us sign you, you’ll get the level of attention I believe every client deserves, even if I’ve changed my position on the editing, and will train Wendy accordingly. If everything works out as I expect it to with Wendy, I’ll bring in another agent or two so the agency as a whole can help more writers.

In closing, honestly, I’d have never made this kind of decision if former clients hadn’t driven me to it [so don’t get mad at me, get mad at them!]. I just don’t see the benefit of killing myself, and feeling guilty every time I do anything non-writing-related, just to have the bulk of that time mean nothing. I hope if y’all can’t get behind my decision, at least y’all can understand it.

That tell-all blog IS coming, so don’t go anywhere! And never quit writing, if writing is what you love. The writers who don’t give up, are the writers who are published. [And they aren’t necessarily the best writers—no offense intended.]

Time to watch American Pickers with my hubby [he’s such a sweet man], and The Genius Child [both of whom I still owe ya’ll a blog about].

Now, you have more insight into the glamorous job of being a literary agent.

Welcome to My Worlds.

Hey Gang,My client from Hell [former client, still from Hell] is trying to get me kicked out of RWA. If anyone has a minute to e-mail them that I’ve never charged you a reading fee, and I’m honest, I’d appreciate it. Every e-mail counts. Thanks!

Smiles,

Kelly

Hey Gang,

Wanted to give you an update about what’s going on. I thought I’d receive maybe 10 responses. I’ve got nearly 100 e-mails in my box. That means there are about 50 of you applying. [I need an intern to process the intern apps.] Here’s how it’ll play out:

I’m going thru all the e-mails, as most of you wrote something about yourself in the first e-mail you sent. Then I’ll make a cut by July 30th. After, I’ll send another questionnaire. I’ll make another cut. Finally, I’ll give you a written editing test. Then, I’ll choose.

I’ll contact everyone, even if you don’t make the cut. If you applied and haven’t heard from me by Friday July 30, please contact me.

Thanks to all!

Your Fearless Leader